Celebrating his birthday

Tomorrow will be JB's 36th birthday, and even though he is no longer here in the flesh I am hoping we all are able to have some pleasant memories of the times we spent with him. I am thinking about him now and remembering his last birthday. Ever since I first met and fell in love with JB, I recall that his birthday was not his favorite day of the year. In fact I mostly remember him feeling fairly unpleasant emotions most of that day. I would do my best to be sensitive to his feelings, but often times we ended up having a bit of a ruffle. Perhaps the idea of getting older and slowly having his youth slip away was tough to endure.

However last year was different. Together we made a choice to try to make an event out of his birthday weekend. JB was feeling pretty good in the month and weeks coming up to the day. Earlier in the year he had open heart and lung surgery to remove tumors growing there, and those wounds had healed well enough that he started practicing soccer and had been back at work steadily.

The plan was to make a big deal out of the day rather than dwell on the negative aspects of getting older. And in JB's mind it was a pretty big deal to make it to another birthday and surviving through all the treatments he endured the previous 3 years. That Saturday, June 12, we invited all sorts of friends to the house for the evening to celebrate JB. It was a great turn out, the weather was mostly cooperative too. There was good food and a fire on the back deck.

Sunday was arranged by several of JB's sisters. We arranged to meet in the NE park only a few blocks from the house. A potluck picnic provided the food and drinks and the family provided the warmth of conversation and engagement.

Earlier that Sunday morning, JB had fulfilled his wish to play soccer. He was visibly thrilled with the idea that he would be participating in an actual game. I recall him putting on all his soccer gear and running out of the house early that morning to get in the game such that he could later attend his birthday picnic party.

When he arrived at the park you could see he had enjoyed his time. He got roughed up a bit playing, but settled right into the family gathering. The afternoon wrapped up and we left the park. Finally a birthday weekend fitting for such a wonderful man. My love I wish you happy birthday.... I so wish you were here with me and all of us to share your day together with.

The new family members

I found two sweet looking young cats to adopt this past week. I have been looking casually for a cat to keep me company. I have missed Tegan, my previous cat. She was such a sweet heart and good companion to both JB and me. It was not really possible to even entertain adopting a new family member since Tegan died last summer, had to focus more of my energy on the most important family member.

Now that the house has been very quiet and I find myself lacking anything to focus my attention on at home, I have been moved to adopt a cat...or two. So here I introduce the two new members of my family. Leela is a female tortise, about 7 months old. So far she is a bit reserved and somewhat shy. She will come on the bed and lay between my legs to fall asleep.

Adric is the name I am giving to the boy cat. He is also a 7 month old cat, a Russian blue. He is full of energy, bouncing from room to room and very affectionate.

I have them sequestered to the upstairs of the house, to get them adjusted to each other and their new environment. Also this will help keep control of the damage they might accidentally do with their playful behavior.

Thus far they are both getting along well together. Adric is a bit of a overwhelming presence, he loves to play and will try to get into a playful fight with Leela. She tends not to want much to do with this, will hiss at him and try to get away. Otherwise they do well together when they are both calm. Last night they spent the majority of the night sleeping together near me on the bed.

Beyond the news of my cat adoption, I would say that life remains in a state of flux. It seems like a skipping record to mention that it is difficult to take in each day on my own. Work goes well enough, I am very fortunate to continue to have a strong presence of friends and family to help me through. A good time was had last weekend at a gathering of friends to celebrate their acquisition of a new cat...games were played and pizza was enjoyed. I will be having my own cat-warming party soon too I expect.

One final note for his post...WINTER SUCKS! It was in the 50's last weekend, with certain signs of spring in the air (tulips in my yard were popping out of melting snow even). But on Wednesday here we got 7 inches of snow and since then bitter cold. It is 16 degrees this morning and I am so tired of winter. So everyone pray that spring makes it to Minnesota this year, it will make me happy.

Adjusting

Well, it has been over a month now since we lost JB. I have been fortunate to have the support of friends and family as the time has passed. Nothing is easy about adjusting to the new reality that I am on my own again after 10 years of a wonderful and loving relationship.

The house certainly is a quiet place most of the time. The evenings I have to myself pass much more slowly than I would like. I have little to keep me occupied as I was so used to keeping up with the needs and desires of my partner. I realize that I now have this time to do what ever I want with, but most of the time I have been not taking much advantage of it. Knowing that I have this freedom is important, and giving myself the time to develop it into something useful is healthy. The weather does not help much. Spring has yet to show its face and the winter grip tends to keep people still shored up in their warm homes. I look forward to warmer days and the energy that injects into all of us, with optimism and desire to be with people outdoors again.

My work has been a stabilizing force, but even there I find some weeks more difficult to get through than others. I find it difficult sometimes to find it motivating or valuable, as I wonder what it all means relative to the life we could be living. In the absence of a loving partner it does fill a gap of time that I would surely be spending at home by myself, and my work mates are pleasant people to interact with.

I have slowly been sifting through the paperwork that needed to be dealt with. JB's death certificates arrived this week, delayed many weeks because no doctor had signed them originally. In retrospect, this passage of time has made dealing with the paperwork a bit easier. Thus far there have been no major problems, aside from the realization that gay couples are certainly in a secondary class of relationships. Everything that was in JB's possession needed to be specifically documented with a beneficiary, otherwise my status as his life partner was meaningless. I am not recognized by Social Security to obtain the token death benefit which is awarded any other married couple.

Marriage was something JB and I discussed occasionally, but we were comfortable with our relationship that the title was not a driving goal. However we did register as domestic partners with the city of Minneapolis and the University of Minnesota recognized our relationship. I have always felt that marriage between two men should be allowed in the civil court of law, to allow us the same rights all other married couples benefit from. I feel our government needs to treat us equally, and have been understanding if individual religious organizations refuse to give there blessing. I continues to amaze me that people believe that allowing the government to condone gay marriage in some way gives gay couples more rights and benefits. Learning first hand just one aspect of being in a relationship, the opposite is true. Gay couples have far fewer rights compared to all other married couples. In Minnesota alone, there are 515 statues that discriminate against gay couples and families compared to heterosexual ones.

It is hard to really write to what I have been feeling this past month. Nearly every morning has been difficult for moments, causing me tears of sadness realizing another morning begins in my life without JB. Memories will always be flashing into my mind about times we spend, good memories...and the memories of his last moments as he passed away in our home. Songs come on the radio that remind me of him, scenes in movies of loosing loved ones are more painful and spending time with loved ones reminds me that he is not there to share their warmth and friendship. I am not alone, as all of us have or will deal with the loss of someone especially close to them. And I am not wallowing in pity as I know that I still have a very fortunate life, the one I have lived and hopefully the one in my future.

So, I wait for time to pass and very much look forward to this deathly season to finally pass. How we as a culture have come to terms with getting through each winter amazes me. Winter is so harsh, and so long in Minnesota and death comes more easily for man and creature. That is why spring and summer are so cherished here. We have a greater appreciation for the bounty and life that will soon be blooming, and my appreciation will be much stronger as long as I continue to survive through the bitter season.

I have been searching more earnestly for a new family member, that would be a young cat. The last few weeks I have made trips to the humane society to see who I might rescue. The selection has been surprisingly shallow, it seems this is not the best time to find cats to adopt. However I have noticed the last time I visited there were more cats in need of homes. Part of me is also considering some exotic cat. I have always been very fond of the Bengal variety. I am thinking about going to a rescue center that might have some. The kittens are quite expensive however and with so many needing adoption I have a hard time justifying the indulgence. As soon as I find my new family member I will be sure to post some pictures of her on the blog.

Finally today I wish again to thank everyone who attended the Mass and the open house. Many, many thanks for the donations given towards the memorial. I will be making a donation to the Melanoma Research Foundation and many people made donations to other deserving organizations. Please forgive me if I was unable to thank you all individually, but know I am thinking and thanking you all.

Fitting weekend

The weekend has passed after many tears, celebration, hugs, warmth, food, family and friends. It was a truly fitting weekend in the spirit of who JB was in the living world. I was fortunate to have my mom, aunt and uncle begin the weekend with me, arriving on Thursday evening. Friday morning we traveled to the northern fringe of the Twin Cities to attend a Mass with family and friends. The Mass was a solemn and moving occasion, with readings, songs and tributes. Two especially powerful messages were delivered. First by JB's boss and friend Dr. MJK. She spoke truth to the person that JB was, a moving eulogy to all in attendance and I am very thankful for her presence, wisdom and support. JB's brother-in-law Brant gave a second eulogy in which he recounted the memories of many of JB's family members, each heart felt and moving.

Saturday I opened the house for anyone that was able to visit and celebrate in the way that JB would have appreciated. I wish I could have taken count, as my estimate of 150 or more people may be far short of how many people walked through the door. They all brought food and memories. The food piled on the table in an avalanche of tasty goodness. From 2PM until later in the evening, the house was shoulder to shoulder with people from family to work mates to friends. So many hugs and an abundance of laughter. There were people representing almost every phase of JB's life. His family of course, friends from high school and college, colleagues from work, friends from MMF, soccer team mates, and current friends were all represented.

The evening wrapped up around 11PM and the house was cleaned up by the last guests and my mom, aunt and uncle. The energy was palpable and I think everyone felt JB's spirit. I have to thank everyone who put forth such amazing efforts to help make the open house so successful. I also thank everyone for the cards of support and there will certainly be a nice donation to the melanoma research foundation as a result of the memorials presented.

It is Monday now and a new week is underway. I am still having a difficult time dealing with the JB's loss. Mornings are especially difficult, perhaps because I am fully aware of the his loss and his absence to haunt me the whole day. I also vividly see his last moments with me, laying in his bed as I watched him take his last breath. I try to remember the last time we had an emotional conversation, since most of his remaining days he was deep in sleep or barely able to communicate effectively. It seems so unfair that he was taken from us, yet we all knew the day would come. Nothing that we experienced together these last few years has been able to prepare me fully for what will come now that he is gone.

My future is certainly not clear, but I believe in the goodness that comes from all of our shared friends and family to help me through...to help each other through. I look forward to maintaining and deepening these relationships as the days and years pass. Again, my heart and mind thanks all of you that have shared our lives together and I hope to continue to share my life with as many of you as possible.

Service details

We have arranged some times and dates for the Mass and the gathering at the house in memory of John Brian Becker.

A Mass will be held at St. Joseph of the Lakes Catholic Church, 171 Elm Street, Lino Lakes, MN at 10:30 AM Friday February 11, 2011. Visitation will be one hour prior to the Mass at the church and following the Mass there will be a gathering for a light lunch.

On Saturday February 12, 2011 I am opening the house for friends and family to visit and share memories of JB. The open house will run from 2PM until 10PM to try to accommodate as many people as possible. Please feel free to e-mail me at patzlaffj@gmail.com to obtain details of the location of our home in NE Minneapolis.

An obituary will be in both the Minneapolis Star Tribune and the St. Paul Pioneer Press. We are requesting that any donations may be made in lieu of flowers. Donations may be made to the family to distribute to a memorial fund likely to be going to the family charity (Our Lady of Good Counsel Home) or a cancer research charity or of course any the donor requests.

Some tentative dates and times

I have some rough times and dates for events this upcoming week.

A mass will be performed for JB's passing on Friday February 11. A gathering time in the morning somewhere around 9AM and the mass around 10AM. I apologize for not having the exact times, but some people are requesting more information to make arrangements for travel. The service will be held at JB's parent's church in Lino Lakes, a suburb in the northern part of the cities.

The following day (Saturday February 12) we are planning an open house. This will be held at our home, and I am thinking of a gathering that would perhaps go from 2PM to 10PM. I want there to be enough time for as many people to attend as possible, but it also might be daunting if there is too big of a window. I am working with family and friends to sharpen up the ideas for the gathering. Our home is in NE Mpls.

A few regrets

The weekend has nearly passed by, somewhat slowly in terms of what I expect. Several visitors have come to the house, some bearing food and cake and others to share hugs. I have spent a lot of time online reading e-mail, tracking facebook and upkeeping the blog. Every time I read these comments I become intensely moved and emotional, I continue to be amazed by the degree JB touched people's lives.
This morning I again woke up early. I keep thinking after a busy day I will sleep well and feel fully refreshed in the morning. So far no luck. On the other hand I am thankful I do not feel crappy either, just somewhere in between. I usually start to stir in the AM and my mind gathers speed. This morning I was thinking of the many things that JB and I had discussed doing together, our plans and wishes.
My goal here is to write down a list of what I would call regrets. Things we wanted to do or places we wanted to go, but never got the chance. Mainly because our time was short, or his health was poor, but also because we simply put it off for another day. I am in a stable emotional place while doing this, not beating myself up or blaming myself because they were not done. I do this to create a memory I can return to year after year, and hopefully help remind myself to make the best efforts to do the things I want to do while I can.

Return to the Netherlands to visit friends and places
Travel to New Jersey, New York and Philadelphia for friends.
Spend time in New Orleans together.
Fly our kites on a nice windy day.
Attend another performance at the Guthrie theater.
Go to South America for our new adventure.
Remodel our upstairs bathroom.
Take a long bath together.
Canoe some lake or river together.

I will probably be adding to this list as more thoughts come to my head about things that JB and I wanted to do but ran out of time.