Has it really been since August since our last post?

Hello Readers,

I have known for some time that I have been neglecting the blog. I imagine that has caused many people to give up on coming to this website to read about what is going on in our lives.

It is just after 7 am on Sunday morning, a massive snow storm dumped over 16 inches of snow yesterday. I drink a cup of coffee and read the internet as sleeping was difficult for me this morning. Snow shoveling has left me sore and I needed to get up and stretch it out. Soon I have to head out to clean up the left over mess.

We are drawing near to the end of another year. I have been getting some comments from friends and family that it is amazing that nearly four years has gone by since the official diagnosis of JB's stage IV cancer. It is amazing indeed. I still remember the heart crushing news of the return of his cancer, thinking that our time was projected to be so short. Now as I look back, it certainly has been a difficult road, certainly more so for JB, but a rewarding time together.

Going back almost three to four months ago, JB was feeling like his days were drawing to an end. He commented to me that he felt that he had weeks or months left at best. Some recent test results opened a new door for JB back in September and he entered a new clinical drug trial. JB has the genetic mutation and is now taking the B-raf inhibitor drug. The results so far are very remarkable. JB travels to Chicago every 21 days to get tests and more drugs, during his visit last week, scans and tests showed that nearly all of the tumors that could be imaged on scans had decreased in size, and some had gone away entirely.

Of course not everything is rosy for JB, and although the tumors are being reduced or eliminated by the clinical trial drug. JB is experiencing one growing location of several tumors is in his throat area. There are at least two if not more rather prominent tumors located on one side of his neck and one large one near his tonsils. These tumors have presented JB with a challenge, making breathing, eating and drinking difficult. The tumor at the back of his throat is particularly troublesome now. JB has described it as like having a large wad of chewing gum stuck back there. This often causes a gagging relax to occur and again causes him difficulty keeping food down at times.

Schedules have been made for surgical removal of this tumors later this week, and we both try to deal with the waiting in hopes that time passes fast and these rather obstructive tumors are removed. The hope is they can be removed without too much stress and JB can return to more normal breathing/eating/drinking.

It has been hard for me to write down my thoughts for everyone, because of the uncertainty of our lives. JB continues to deal with the trials of living with cancer. The last year has been traumatic in many ways for me too.

• My father passed away unexpectedly in the spring, 
• my cat of 16 years died in the summer, 
• my grandmother and an aunt passed away (both on Halloween weekend)
• I have been in nearly constant apprehension of the health and outlook of my partner's life. 

I will be happy when 2010 is over, hopeful that trauma will be replaced with a bit more optimism but it is difficult not to let pessimism creep in.

My partnership with JB has endured, but certainly changed much in the last six months. Right now we are litterally counting the hours until his throat cancer removal surgery. It is immediate and has a direct impact on our lives. JB limits his communication because it is uncomfortable to talk. We have not been sleeping with each other much the last few weeks again because the tumors in his neck restrict his air passages and cause extremely loud snoring. I tried earplugs without success. Obviously we both desire to be close to each other and share a bed together, but I selfishly need my sleep to function properly. JB still deals with low energy and stamina, perhaps now as a result of the sleep apnea prohibiting him a full nights sleep.

The combination of the events of the last 2-3 months give us hope and optimism, however the reality of how JB's body is performing also is significantly limiting us from a 'normal' existence. It is much like walking in place at times, we see the regression of his tumors on one hand, but deal with the debilitating effects of the tumors on the other.

JB has forged ahead and challenged himself by returning to work at the University, at times going in multiple days per the week. Other mornings he can hardly muster the energy to stir from bed to take his regiment of drugs.

What will 2011 bring for us? It approaches quickly, and that is good because neither of us enjoy the winter season. Winter hit hard recently and with nearly two feet of snow on the ground already. We wonder if we will make it through this season together. I am optimistic thinking about the Winter Solstice nearly upon us prompting the slow return of longer days and eventual warmer days to come.

Much more has transpired in our lives since August, but hopefully this is enough news to catch everyone up. Hopefully, I will find willpower to write more frequently.

Happy Holidays everyone, best wishes to you all for the New Year as well.