Through dreams drugs and dilusion

It is Wednesday morning, just returned from my morning fitness routine. I got home and started to give JB a feeding and his medications and am generally starting my day. This week is going slowly, JB is floating in a semi-conscience state these last few days. The pain in his arm and neck from the rapidly growing tumors is forcing him to take more pain medications and the general side effect of all of them is to put him in a very sleepy low energy state. Much of the time when he is awake it seems he is finishing up some dream or he is talking about random people and places. I can only hope his dreams are peaceful.

Later today I will take JB to the doctor for a pre-operative physical. One more hurdle before the rather extensive surgery planned for tomorrow. We are due early in the morning and the surgery may take upwards of 4 hours. It is JB's wish to have Dr. Y take out as much of the tumor growing in his neck as possible, and it is his worry that he will decide on playing it safe and only take bits and pieces. Additionally I hope that JB will be more responsive today and tomorrow for his physical and surgery. Maybe the burst of cold from going outside will snap him out to keep him lucid for a few hours.

The feeding is another issue that causes some consternation. There is a schedule to ramp up the calories and amount over a period of a week. We are trying to do that, but JB has noticed a defined correlation between his feedings and a sharp increase in the pain in his tumors. He feels that the feeding is directly causing this. It is possible, the second ingredient on the can is corn syrup. A simple sugar that is likely going straight to feed the cancer. I have looked into several of the commercially available nutrition feeds, and they all have corn syrup along with soy based products. There is nothing in the way of a more natural feed. I understand that the purpose of the feeding tube is to get nutrition to his body and these commercial brands goal is to pack as much calories, vitamins and nutrients into a small volume. Thus they use highly processed materials and recombine them to make something that appears nutritionally complete. JB's sister from Denver passed along a possible substitute home mixture and she plans on visiting this weekend, so perhaps we can brew up a batch together.

One benefit to the feeding is we are able to keep up with the B-raf drug trial. I bought a pill crusher from the drug store and crush up the four 'horse pill' sized tablets. I then mix the powder into a protein drink to keep it in suspension. So instead of nearly choking on these large pills, we are putting them directly into his stomach through the feeding tube. The same benefit applies to the pain drugs he has been taking.

Through all of this I still wonder the direction of the path we are on. Especially this week with JB so altered in mind and spirit. I believe the goal of fighting the cancer remains, thus we work hard to keep up with the B-raf drug. But we fall behind with the goals of the Gerson diet with his problems keeping on weight. The surgery to remove the neck tumors seems like a method of improving his quality of life. The possible amputation of his arm looks more likely as this is much of the source of his pain. It is truly amazing how the tumor in his left arm has grown, the shoulder to elbow area has ballooned to nearly three times the size of his right arm. It is all terribly frightening to vision him going through such a traumatic procedure to cut away all that cancer.

On Sunday we were surprised by a nearly full house of visitors. JB's sisters Dianne, Lynda and Brenda along with Brother Tom visited. Dianne also had joining her two very special ladies she is friends with. The visit was appreciated, and the love shared empowering. Of course it all wore JB out greatly and probably is one of the reasons he has struggled early this week to not sleep all day. But he needs that comfort and presence now more than ever I believe. I try my best to be with him, but sadly my work demands some time. Anyhow, with JB returning to the hospital on Thursday with a likely stay at least one day...perhaps some quick visits would be possible. I will be working on updating throughout the procedure.

Okay, off to start my day...and get through the Wednesday hump.