Epilogue

This is hard. Sitting here at the computer this morning, reading e-mail letters and facebook threads has kept me in a nearly constant stream of tears. It is amazing how many people JB touched, a whole corner of the world is morning for him it seems.
First of all I want to thank everyone who has been there for us, been in our lives together, worked with us and heard our stories. I want to thank his family for accepting me and allowing me into their hearts. I want to thank his friends for making a spot for me in their circle. We all miss him so much so I hope we can all gather together in thoughts and prayers to keep his memory alive.
I will now try to tell you about what you want to know about, JB's final hours. This story begins Wednesday following that days post. During the day his mom, and sisters Barb and Dianne were keeping JB company. We decided it was time for the hospital bed, as JB was getting further weakened and we felt the bed would offer a more secure location for him to rest. The hospice network was good at one thing, getting us things ASAP. By mid afternoon the bed was installed. I left work several hours early and picked up a mattress pad to improve the quality of the bed. When I arrived home, Barb was here busy preparing the bed with freshly laundered sheets. Also the hospice home aide had arrived to give JB a bath. A very kind man who treated JB to a gentle sponge bath, shaving and lotion. The three of us transferred JB to the hospital bed and it is there he spent the last 18 hours of his life.
Barb made her way home about 5PM and I began my processing and plans for spending the evening caring for my love. Not much time passed, a few hours perhaps and our good friend Emma arrived at the door. Together we spent a quiet evening sharing few stories and some tea as we tended to JB. Emma caressed his forehead.
JB appeared to be somewhat restless much of the time we were sitting in the room with him. Not apparently in pain, but fidgeting a bit. His arm reaching to his brow and back to support his head, his legs swaying side to side occasionally. I postulated it may have been due to the unfamiliarity with the new hospital bed, that it would take a bit of time to get used to the feel.
8PM arrived and his nightly feeding of nutrition and supplement of medications was provided. Emma stayed a few hours or so before venturing out into the bitter night of cold. Back I went to the solitary vigil of my love. I turned off the main lights leaving a few dim ones to take the edge off the blackness. This night began like the many that had proceeded it. Shallow sleep at best to keep track of his status. Around 3AM JB's breathing had progressed to a disturbing condition. His lungs sounded like they were filling with fluid, as if he was gargling for his morning routine. This breathing was frightening to me. I called the hospice hotline and described the situation. The attending nurse asked if we had received a droplet bottle with atropine sulphate. Yes I said, and she told me to give him a few drops in his mouth to help break up the bronchial mucus. In addition I was instructed to administer more pain medication to prevent JB from experiencing discomfort from oxygen deprivation.
Surprisingly to me, this treatment provided JB with much improved breathing. The gasping and gargling had subsided and he appeared much more peacefully and comfortably breathing for the next several hours.
The light of day finally began to break. I stirred from bed at about 6-7AM to shower and gather the morning feeding for JB. I was not expecting anyone until 10AM or so, Brenda was scheduled to sit with JB Thursday. Also nurse Susan had called the night before requesting to visit, she was concerned about JB's condition when she heard we requested a hospital bed. On her voice message she informed me her visit would also be around 10AM.
I got a phone call from JB's sister Patty. She called to tell me she was taking the morning shift since one of Brenda's children was dealing with strept throat and needed to attend them with a doctors visit. She assured me she would make haste to arrive, and I told her I was not in a hurry, I had already called work telling them I would not come in until later since I desired to be there when the nurse arrived.
JB's feeding around 8AM was fairly routine. But shortly after his breathing again turned labored. Not nearly so gargely as a few hours before, but concerning. A few moments passed and he coughed what sounded to be productive but phlemy cough. I gave him a few more drops of the medication. The breathing became harder and harder for my love. I now was counting down the time when Patty and the nurse were to arrive. Part of me was wondering if I should call family to tell them...if you want to be with JB, you might consider coming now as I think the time is short. The other part bayed me patience and optimistically thoughts that it would be okay.
Patty made her way to the room, and I hugged her and told her I was so worried that JB was really fading away. The nurse would be here soon I said and we both sat with worried looks to each other and then loving and sad looks to JB. The breathing now was so shallow, with many pauses before a gasp. We heard the door open downstairs, nurse Susan was here. At the same time we heard JB's last breath. Footsteps sounded on the stairs, yet no sound of air entering or leaving JB's body. Susan stepped through the doorway and we were both touching JB, Patty his forehead and I his legs...trying to prompt him to breath. I said to Susan that he had just stopped breathing, only 30 seconds had passed but he was not attempting to take in more air. She assured me that this was the natural path to the end. We all stood there, waiting for another breath that never came.
That was the last moment I spend with my lover alive together in this world, this reality. This is so hard, that moment was so hard. I am sure it was equally hard for Susan and Patty as well. Death is the ultimate end for all of us, but damn it why so soon for this wonderful 35 year old man.
Painful, sorrow filled moments were shared between Patty and myself. I am happy someone from his family was there to witness his death. I know I am part of the family, but the story of his passing needs to be told from blood perspective as well.
We made the calls to family and some friends, news of death travels quickly. Somehow I made it to the computer to disseminate the news across the world via social media. Our blog got a quick post of his death and I announced it on Facebook. How curious, how rather cold, but how amazingly effective social media can be for spreading such important news.
Family gathered to see their boy, their brother, now drawing cold. How fucking fortunate I have been these last 10 months...to sit and feel the warmth be drained from the body of someone I cherished...first my father last March and now my partner of over 10 years(sorry for the swear word). Anyhow his Mom and Dad arrived quickly. They of course were heartbroken. To see a child die, no words can describe the emotions I witnessed. Sisters and brother whom could make it arrived. Much pain, sorrow and tears where shared. I am thankful for this strong, loving and generous family at a time like this.
Death bureaucracy begins quickly. Calls to the mortuary and coroner were made. Arrangements were made to pick up the body, pick up the items we rented for JB's home hospice care. After all of the family that were able to see JB had made it to the house, we then arranged for JB's body to be removed. By now it was 3PM.
The final visual image of my lover now etched in my memory, two wool coat wearing men walk into the room where he lay dead...in possession of a portable cot and two white cotton linen. They mutter between each other, and ask us how comfortable we are with what they are going to do. Some people stay, others leave sight. The wool coat wearing men unfolded the linens and began a well practiced procedure of wrapping JB's body. First his lower half, I made sure to grab and wiggle his pinky toe for the last time. Then the upper half. They did not cover his face immediately, I paused their task so I could hug and kiss the lifeless body one last time, that was fucking hard too. Eventually JB was wrapped like a mummy in the linen and transferred out of the bedroom, down the stairs, out of the house, into their auto...eventually to be cremated as were his wishes.
Family slowly began to depart, tired from the stress, events and emotions of the day. Lynda, Tom, Jennifer and cousin Jackie remained and we went to eat at a local Thai restaurant, a favorite of JB and mine. Some food with memories. Darkness returned to NE Minneapolis, as did we to the home. Lynda was the last to leave the house. I was alone now for a moment. The moment was not too long, Pat and Morgon Mae made a visit, consoled me and conversed. Then the hospice agency arrived to take away the bed, commode, shower chair, left over nutrition....memories of treating a terminal cancer patient during his last days.
Now I am really alone, the house is so quiet. I thought I might get some deeper sleep last night without the stress and worry about JB. But replacing the stress and worry were my memories of our times together and my sadness with the realization there is no more John Brian Becker here in this world to share my life with.
The title of this post, Epilogue, might imply the end to the blog. It may end at some point or be changed to reflect the new life I now begin. However I do intend to use the blog to send out information about the upcoming events and news regarding a funeral, a memorial and more.
Currently the tentative plan is for a service/mass to be held at the request of JB's family next week Friday morning. More information about the location and time will be provided. JB's desire and request was for a non-traditional funeral gathering. He told me his idea was to have his family and friends come to the house, have an open house once he has been cremated. He wanted people to pass his ashes and be in our home to celebrate together. So that is my goal, the weekend following his funeral mass, open the house to anyone and everyone to celebrate my lover's memory and life. The time and details of this are forthcoming. I hope it is not too murky of an idea, just having people come at random times, but there are so many people and being winter, less space to mill around. But I will make it more precise, say XXPM in the afternoon to XXPM at night we gather. Again more details will come.
Finally with this very long posting I have to express my deep gratitude for all of JB's family for their strength and support throughout the time I have been JB's lover and especially the last three years dealing with stage IV melanoma. I am equally grateful for the support of all of our friends, without you all I would be lost and lonely. I pray we all maintain strong bonds together, as the glue of JB's mind, body and spirit have now been stripped from us. Love and Peace to everyone in this difficult time.