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One aspect of my life that I have power over is what I choose to put into my body. As a stage IV cancer survivor, I believe that food is one of the strongest therapies that I have to help keep the weed of cancer in check.

Friends and family ask me if I am still following the Gerson Therapy. I have never been able to follow the full recommended therapy to the letter, but I have taken principles from what I understand to be the philosophy and basic fundamentals of the dietary approach to healing. First off, I believe that my body is capable of fighting my cancer.

After my initial diagnosis of Melanoma in 1998, I lived in remission for nine years without chemo or any other therapy. To me this means that my body was keeping this cancer weed in check. I was vegetarian and generally ate very well. I was athletic and also drank alcohol but not to an excessive degree. I believe that I without knowing that I still had cancer in my system, I was helping my body to keep it in check via the choices I was making in my diet.

The principles that I follow from the Gerson therapy include

• drink as much fresh organic fruit juice as is reasonable, for me this is about 4 cups daily
• eat a vegetarian diet consisting primarily of fresh and organic fruit, vegetables, and grains
  
• follow an 80/20 ratio of allowing myself to eat 20% of things which are not vegetarian organic things, such as sushi
• avoid refined sugars and flour most of the time
• avoid alcohol
• avoid taking prescription and over the counter drugs when possible
• use appropriate dietary supplements, guided by Gerson therapy recommendations
  
• use coffee enemas twice daily, when possible, to assist the gut with elimination of waste products and toxins
  

I do not see this path a way to "save myself" but rather as a way to enjoy a healthier and possibly longer life. I do not have any hard evidence that following this regiment is helping my body, but I believe that choosing to put primarily fresh organic foods into my body will increase my quality of life, even if it does not prolong my life.

The 80/20 rule lets me justify stepping away from the rules of my diet for a special occasion, or even an occasional craving for Afghani pizza. Flexibility and taking pleasure in eating are equally important to me as putting healthy food into my body daily.

Labels: food, juicing, Melanoma

It is Tuesday and I went to work today.

This weekend JSP and I were in Denver and in the mountains near Denver. We went to visit my sister Julie, her husband Christian, and our wonderful network of friends that we have made through them. Most of the group skied in wonderful snow conditions, but due to my lack of strength and endurance, skiing was just not in the cards for me. In the evenings we played lots of games together: Pictionary, Taboo, Texas-Hold-Em, Triads, and Mafia were some of the group favorites.

Julie even brought her Champion Juicer so I was able to consume some fresh organic juice even so away from home.

The flight from Denver has my ears feeling weird; every time I swallow my left ear pops, and just breathing sounds strange in my head. Small potatoes I guess.

Just three weeks after finishing my first Interleukin-2 therapy, and I feel mostly better. The therapy was honestly the worst thing I have ever been through. Receiving a dose of IL-2 every eight hours around the clock for five days was very difficult to undergo. The drug is toxic, and the pain/sleep medication I was prescribed caused me very unpleasant hallucinations when I was awake. At the end of the week, I had gained 20 pounds of retained water, my immune system was terribly weak, and I had an infection of thrush in my mouth that made eating and talking very painful. I barely recognized myself when I looked in the mirror; my face looked like a puffed up marshmallow. I felt exhausted.

I am still underweight and bald, but there is a gleam in my eye again. I feel happy and I have my eyes open to the beauty of the world. I am looking for (and finding) joy in random places and simple moments.

One of the spiritual teachers of my young adulthood, Ram Dass, author of Be Here Now recently wrote a book on aging and death. I have been slowly reading it since I came across it at our local library. It is interesting to me how persons transition from a young sexy self image into a self image that is not young or sexy. At age 32 I am going through that phase a bit early perhaps, but there is no reasoning or bargaining with the mirror. Ram Dass has some useful thoughts on the matter. He tells his readers to embrace these changes and to wear your new self image with pride and dignity. One does not have to be youthful, sexy, or even healthy to hold a place of respect, or to be loved.

Labels: cold weather, friendship, juicing, Melanoma, winter

On Monday of next week I will begin my first week long treatment of high dose Interleukin - 2. This procedure requires hospitalization for about seven days. You can read about interesting side effects if you follow the link to the drug above. It will not be an easy week, but I'll be a tough bird.

Dr. A. proscribed this regiment of treatment based on my March 5 CT Scan coupled with the pathology report from my February 12 skin tumor resections. According to Dr. A., the tumors in my lungs are growing at a rate that worry him; he hopes that I may be one of the lucky ones who will see my cancer react favorably to the "immune system storm" that this treatment regiment will cause in my body. I have to admit that although I am not looking forward to the discomfort of the side effects, I do look forward to seeing if this systemic storm can help me tend my body's garden.

I plan to bring my eeePC to the hospital with me. If I feel up to it I will write a bit about my experience. Since I am not into daytime television, I will have to try to make my own entertainment.

I have been continuing with the modified Gerson Therapy, and am considering learning more about the Gerson Clinic in Mexico. It might be interesting to spend a couple of weeks there, but I will have to update my passport if I am going to follow that route.

Labels: CT, hospital, juicing, Melanoma

Life without alcohol, salt, and refined starches and sugars is going surprisingly well. I miss drinking beer and the taste of salt, but organic produce is also very tasty and may well keep me living and breathing much longer than a typical American diet. I continue to consume a modified Gerson Therapy diet. Although I only average four glasses of juice a day, I feel like my body is responding to the greater amount of nutrition and reduced load of dietary toxins.

My body has been feeling very well, my appetite continues to grow and I love eating again. I have been eating more, both at home and at work, trying to add a few pounds if possible to my thinned frame. Drinking juices and organic peppermint or chamomile tea is part of my daily routine, along with my coffee treatments.

My body feels good, my spirits are high, and I am lucky to have friends and family who want to visit. I welcome visitors; I would almost say that I live for visitors. Come over, have some tea, play a game.

On Wednesday I have an appointment with Dr. A., my Oncologist. I hope he will be able to interpret the results of the biopsies that were done on the lumps removed from my body almost three weeks ago. I need him to help me understand what it means that of the fourteen lumps that were removed, only one was a melanoma tumor while the other thirteen were diseased lymph nodes containing cancer cells, some showing signs of necrosis (cell death) in some of the cancer cells.

I don't really understand this, I thought that all the lumps were going to be tumors. I am interested in what he will have to say about this.

Also meeting with Dr. A., I will get a good idea about when I should schedule the next round of MRI, and PT scans. I am still months away from being possibly eligible to enroll in experimental studies (due to the cancer they found and treated in my brain). If the my brain stabilizes and no new tumors are found for the next three months, then I could become a candidate for experimental trials.

JSP and I watched the film Venus last night. It was very poignant; basically about a man (Peter O'Toole) enjoying his final days and preparing to die. Despite my tears, I enjoyed the film and recommend it to those who enjoy international film.

Labels: beer, juicing, Melanoma

Today I had fourteen tumors removed from my skin. My surgeon, Dr. E was very accommodating before my surgery. We went over the list of tumors that JSP and I had located. He found each one and marked it for excision. I had general anesthesia, and the surgery went very smoothly.

In the past when experiencing general anesthesia, I awakened after surgery to strange and uncontrollable fits of crying. Luckily, due to the use of an alternative anesthesia, this did not happen today. When I woke up I felt great, like I had had a good nap. Surgery lasted about ninety minutes.

The surgery was much less draining than I thought it would be. I am in no pain. I hope this continues to be the case once I get a good night sleep. I have pain medication should this change.

This procedure likely has no effect on the systemic cancer, but the uncomfortable tumors removed from my skin will no longer bother me.

JSP had to work today, so my parents took me to the hospital for my procedure. They stayed at our home for several hours afterward. My mother and JSP made me a delicious Gerson therapy approved soup with wild rice in it and a serving of delicious fresh ornage/kiwi juice. I have been drinking chamomile tea as well. It was wonderful that my parents could be with me today, but frustrating that JSP could not be with me as well.

As we are a gay couple, JSP is not eligible for the Family Medical Leave Act. This is one of the many rights extended to heterosexual couples that are denied to gay and lesbian couples. This is one concrete example of how the right wing "family values" platform makes my life more difficult.

Another result of right wing "family values" is that I am not allowed to have medical coverage thought JSP's work, even though we are domestic partners. Luckily, I have great insurance through the University of Minnesota. My colleagues there have been very supportive through this process, which I am eternally grateful for.

Labels: hospital, juicing, Melanoma, perspective, Republicans, surgery

In advance of JayBee surgery tomorrow to remove sub-dermal tumors, last night we took an inventory of his tumors. After a complete scan of his body, I noted at least 18 lumps in various locations in his body. Most were pea sized or smaller, but there are at least four that are marble sized. The larger lesions have caused him discomfort. One tumor on his back thigh he compared to sitting on a stone.

The process was sobering for me. I strive to be optimistic that we are doing the right things and that he will successfully fight these "weeds" into remission. Confronted with numbers, size and locations, I am reminded of the reality at hand.

Finished cataloging the tumors, we settled into our cozy nest, thankful we were sheltered from the bitter winter night. Looking into each others eyes we realized how lucky we are together and how thankful we are to have the strength and support of the other. We are hopeful to spend many many years together looking into each others eyes and feeling love.

I turned off the light, cuddled in close, and felt overwhelmed with emotion. A myriad of thoughts whirled in my head, and I softly cried myself to sleep.

Today is a bright but cold winter day. I am working and feeling well. I am a lucky man. Despite the number of tumors in my partner's body there are positive signs. At least one tumor originally present on JayBee's upper lip, appears to be gone. This one was very present in JayBee's mind. He said it stared back at him whenever he looked in the mirror. He theorizes that because he was more focused on it, his body fought it more successfully. The mind is a powerful force.

The weekend is a memory now, but I am thankful that friends and loved ones chose to spend time with us. Friday night, friends Michael, Adam, Jesse and Conrad arrived to play a entertaining game of Settlers of Catan with both of us. Saturday JayBee attended a soccer organizational meeting and later played Dungeons & Dragons with friends. Yesterday was a family day and we enjoyed the company of JayBee's parents, three sisters, a brother-in-law and two nephews. I made some juice for everyone. JayBee shared some home brewed beer and everyone enjoyed chatting near the fire in the fireplace.

Spring is creeping into our house. Last weekend I planted several tulip and crocus bulbs in several planters in the house. I noticed yesterday that a few sprouts poke through the soil. My hope is that sometime in a month or so, a variety of blooms will be greeting us each morning, inspiring more spring fever in both of us.

Labels: beer, cold weather, friendship, juicing, Melanoma, winter

I know that most people would like to shed a few pounds and may not be able to relate to someone who really needs to add pounds. I have not weighed myself since my Gamma Knife procedure, but I was down about 18 lbs from my normal weight on that day. With my hair having fallen out and my fat reserves all gone, I look a bit like an extra from Schindler's List.

I am consuming as much healthy organic fruit and vegetables, and the juices derived from them, that I can. My mother and some of my sisters have stopped over to help get me to eat more too. Food preparation can really become tiresome when your flavor palate is as limited as the Gerson Therapy seems to be. Two nights ago I resorted to adding in some not allowed external components like Afghani Pizza from Crescent Moon Bakery. (I hate linking to a Dara Moskowitz, her restaurant reviews are pretentious.)

Food is important, but it is amazing what happens when it is hard or impossible to eat. When my father was hospitalized a few years ago, he was unable to eat for a very long time. He aged ten years in several weeks. It shocked me to see his body change from the strapping muscular man he had always been to the thin frail man who emerged from the hospital. Radiation treatments caused me to lose my hair, extra weight, and has also aged me ten years in under a month. I have cancer, so what is a little change to my appearance? I didn't think it would be a big deal, but wow, do I look older and less attractive! The only saving grace is that JSP still finds me beautiful.

I am off to forage for food in the kitchen. My nausea of the last three weeks is mostly subsiding so I have some work to do to bring myself back up to my target weight.

Labels: juicing, Melanoma, radiation

"How are you feeling?" takes on a totally different tone than the same question held just over a month ago.

I feel good today.

I frequently feel like I am being anti-climactic when I say, "I'm feeling pretty good today." A much more interesting answer feels expected. Sometimes I wish I could answer something like, "My galactoid levels are really high today," or "About five minutes ago my sphincter was in pandemonium, but now I have it under control."

I feel quite good overall and this does not change much from day to day. I am fortunate that people want to know how I am doing, but I get slightly irritated by so much curiosity about my body. Want me to describe my low level nausea in detail? Are details regarding my difficulty following the Gerson therapy interesting? Do I have to admit that my hair is now starting to fall out in small clumps even if if you can't tell yet by looking at me?

When people ask me how I am feeling, the question feels poised to expose my difficulties. That in essence asks me to be vulnerable all the time. I prefer not to feel vulnerable all the time. Sometimes I feel like people are asking "Do you still have cancer?" and the answer to that will always be, "Yes." That can be a depressing question to answer repetitively.

Each glass of juice I manage to drink, each bowl of oatmeal I eat, each soccer game I play in, and even each coffee enema make me feel better. I choose to work and fight to be well and enjoy each day. My life is continuing. Cancer is part of my life now, but it is not the entirety of my life.

I finished the whole brain radiation treatment this past Wednesday, and in two days I undergo the Gamma Knife treatment to treat the largest tumors in my brain. This will be a whole day affair, and may take a day or so to recover from.

The tumors on the underside of my skin do not appear to be growing beyond the size they were a month ago although some tumors have appeared in new places. I don't have any pain. I am mostly asymptomatic of being in stage IV cancer. Beyond that, I don't know how my cancer is doing.

I feel good today.

Ask how my beer brewing is going. Ask if I have seen any good films lately. Ask who I support in the upcoming Minnesota Democratic Caucus (Barack Obama). Ask what my favorite food is on my new diet. Ask me to go out and enjoy the day with you. Questions like these focus on life continuing.

Labels: juicing, Melanoma, perspective, radiation

Although I had the day off of work due to Martin Luther King Day, I did have to go in for my daily radiation therapy. The photograph above was shot by my sister Julie. We wanted to document the fabulous experience that I have been having for the last two weeks of having my head bolted down to a board and zapped with massive quantities of radiation. The radiologists were very accommodating and seemed to understand perfectly why I would want to get a photo of this. One of the techs remarked, "Be sure to smile for the photo."

Our weekend went well, and I greatly appreciated the two day break from radiation. I only have two more treatments and then I am done with this therapy. The Gamma Knife is still to come, but at least it is just a single day procedure.

I wanted to go visit some friends in Gays Mills, Wisconsin this weekend, but I was just not feeling up to the road trip. The reports I read from those who made it there suggested that my friends that gathered there had a wonderful time. I am sad that I missed it.

My wonderfully devoted sister Julie kept Jason and me company for the last week and a half. Although I am sad to see her go home to Denver, I am excited for her to return to the arms of her husband. They will be flying off to have a fantastic vacation in sunny Belize... where I would like to be going too, since Minnesota is an icy hell. Julie played soccer with my team on Sunday since we were short players, and she did very well for not having played soccer for many years. She is in good cardiovascular shape and did herself proud, playing the entire first half of the game. We lost the game, but not due to her heroic efforts.

Honestly, Julie and I spent some time crying together this weekend too. I was amazed and delighted to see her blow her nose all over the shirt she was wearing. What a lady! It certainly didn't matter in the moment. In a well lived life there is time enough for smiles and for tears; I welcome living both of these times. (Next time though, I could do with less snot.)

I have been in good spirits this weekend, but I have not been closely following the Gerson diet. I like to blame it on my nausea from the radiation, but it is also that I am really desperate for food with flavor. Nausea makes drinking glass after glass of freshly squeezed vegetable juice unbearable, so I have been sticking to just having a few fruit juices. I am not consuming anywhere near the 13 glasses of juice a day that is my eventual target. I have been drinking tons of organic peppermint tea which seems to calm my stomach reliably.

I ate half of a not allowed vegetarian burrito today, and some not allowed Ahi Tuna. On Saturday, I ate a huge pile of not allowed sushi. Since my weight has fallen 8-10 lbs, I figure that it is more important to get nutritious calories than to follow the exact foods of the diet. Hopefully once my regiment of radiation is done I will be able to stomach the Gerson Therapy much closer.

Did I mention that am totally stoked to have only two more radiation sessions left? This does not include the day long Gamma Knife session that will take place next week. A metal halo screws into my head for that one. Woohoo!

Just because I look so pretty in it, here is another shot of me. Doesn't it look like an evil Spider man has been to visit me?

Labels: cold weather, juicing, Melanoma, radiation

I wish everyone heartfelt thanks for the outpouring of support and well wishes that many of you have sent out way over the last few weeks. Nothing that JayBee and I have experienced over the last seven and a half years could have prepared us for what awaits us in our future. Together we look for support and love from each other and are very grateful for the love and support from so many of our family members and friends.

This web site has been very useful in distributing the day to day information we obtain regarding the status of JayBee's health. I hope to contribute more, to express some of my thoughts and emotions to you all. It has been three weeks since the test results, this is my first post on the blog.

My mind has been all over the place in these three weeks. We have shared tears together and have pulled ourselves up and now talk about optimism, healing and faith in our body's ability to rid itself of this noxious weed. I have hope for a future with my partner. He is strong, vigorous and energetic. The news was stunning to hear because when you look at JayBee you only see the exterior...a model of fitness.

The changes are still ongoing in attempt to modify JayBee's diet to conform with the Gerson Therapy standards. This is certainly a challenge. Combined with the brain radiation treatment, the Gerson diet is not at all appetizing. It is difficult to stomach under perfect conditions, and I wish there were more foods that were available.

With my scientific background, I am somewhat skeptical of some of the foods that are available and some that are not permitted by the Gerson Therapy. I believe most of what is prescribed is healthy and sound scientifically, however I would like more detailed references as to why berries, for example, are forbidden food. Hot peppers, basil, and oregano are forbidden because they contain aromatic compounds, but no real scientific explanation is given to back up this claim. I know of several studies that suggest Capsaicin, a component of hot peppers, is healing and beneficial in cancer fighting. Thus it currently is a "do as best as we can" situation with trying to conform to the Gerson Therapy.

I hope to contribute more to our blog, especially if I have something I want to rant or rave about.

I can't fully express my thanks and gratitude for everyone sending positive energy our direction... it is being put to very good use.

Labels: juicing, Melanoma

Only six more radiation treatments to go.

I have not experienced any great pain from the whole brain radiation treatments, just sparklingly fresh breath.

No really.

Mild headaches can develop a few hours after treatment along with a low grade nausea. I can eat despite the nausea, but it makes eating less pleasant. I am happy that I am 40% done with this therapy and have not suffered worse symptoms.

Still struggling to drink enough freshly made juice, I take thermoses full of juice to work. I am learning that you can't use juicing bags that have been used for icky things (like green juices) and use them for yummy things (like fruit juices) and expect the yummy juices to remain yummy.

I have several dietary supplements that go along with the Gerson therapy. My favorite is pig pancreas extract, otherwise known as Pancreatin. I have about seven vitamin and herbal pills that I take daily now. I am learning as much as possible about each of these supplements. I hope that they help me to strengthen my immune system and break down tumors.

Labels: juicing, Melanoma, radiation

Today JSP and I spent the day making fresh organic vegetable and fruit juices and running errands with my sister Julie. I was hoping to be able to write about successfully drinking thirteen glasses of fresh juice today. Realistically however, I consumed probably only five or six 8 oz. glasses of juice. Partly I felt short of my goal because I felt some nausea today. I wanted to blame my nausea on the vegetables and juices, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this unpleasant feeling was probably a lingering effect from the radiation treatments of the last two days. I would probably have felt nausea today no matter what I was eating.

Julie had some wild adventures with our Norwalk juicer. "I think I am doing something wrong!" she called out from the kitchen as I heard the juicer whir. I went to the kitchen to see fruit and vegetable matter flying upwards out of the juicer and sticking to the kitchen ceiling and walls.

"No, that looks about right." Plant matter again violently sprayed the ceiling from the juicer. Working together on our juicing technique, we figured out how to minimize the projectile vegetation and maximize the flow of juice.

Yesterday and today I felt quite good. I felt less negative physical reactions from my second radiation treatment than from the first. I had less headache and less overall sick feeling. I enjoyed having the day off from radiation today.

In addition to the juicing, Julie and I went for a walk around Como Lake in St. Paul. We bundled up well and enjoyed walking and talking with each other in a scenic place that we each remembered spending lots of time in high school. We had tea at Ginko Coffeehouse to warm us back up before heading back home.

Today I was able to take stock of the requirements of the Gerson therapy and come to some conclusions regarding the time commitment needed to follow it. I also had my first coffee enema, but chances are you are not very interested in learning about that in any great detail. It functions as a sort of dialysis for your liver and bile ducts, reportedly helping your body to remove toxins from your blood. I'll just say that it went fine and was much easier than I'd expected.

I look forward to taking Julie with me to my soccer game tomorrow. I feel really good today and I hope that my body continues to be tolerant of my upcoming radiation treatments this week.

Labels: cold weather, juicing, Melanoma, radiation

This morning I met with a plastic surgeon. I was referred to Dr. E. by my oncologist (Dr. A.) on Wednesday when I asked if it would be possible to remove some of the tumors in my skin that have been bothering me.

The meeting went great. Dr. E. measured my tumors and told me that all of the tumors that are causing me pain or discomfort could be removed during a single surgical procedure. I asked about how the radiation treatment that I am currently on will impact this. He suggested that we wait to do surgery until after my whole brain radiation treatment is complete. We set up an appointment for the surgery for February 12, 2008. If I receive any steroids to combat swelling in my brain during radiation therapy, then this surgery will have to be pushed back 6-8 weeks.

I learned yesterday that my sister Julie, who lives in Denver, is here to visit. She decided that she wanted to spend some time with me, grabbed a reasonable priced ticket, and flew in this morning. She is going to walk me over to my radiation therapy today.

Today I am drinking a carrot-apple-beet juice. I am excited to follow the whole Gerson therapy regiment tomorrow, it will be the first day that I will be able to drink the thirteen glasses of juice and try out the other part of the therapy... more on that later.

Labels: juicing, Melanoma, radiation, surgery

The appointment with my oncologist Dr. A. went fine yesterday. He told me that the brain radiation treatment that I start today is really the only thing I should be thinking about in the near future in regards to treatment. Most of the experimental studies that he had spoken to me about in our last appointment are no longer open to me since I have active metastases in my brain. However, three months after my brain radiation treatment, if the tumor activity stops and I am stable, I may again be eligible for some of the experimental treatments.

Hearing that my brain tumors made me ineligible for these experimental treatments was not the news I was hoping to hear, but in some ways it was helpful, because now I can put all my focus into going through this radiation treatment and on my new diet.

Yesterday my juicers arrived! JSP and I purchased two machines, a Champion juicer and the Cadillac of juicers, the Norwalk juicer. I am on my way to following the Gerson Therapy anti-cancer diet therapy which suggests consuming thirteen servings of eight ounces of freshly made organic juice over the course of your day. That is a glass of juice every hour all day every day.

It is time to drink some juice. Mmmn, I am drinking carrot apple juice made about two hours ago as I write this sentence. Ideally you drink the juice immediately upon making it, but few of us live in ideal worlds... in fact in an ideal world I would not have cancer at all.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with a surgeon. I want to have some of my tumors removed because they are starting to make it uncomfortable to sleep. Additionally I have a small tumor on my upper lip that causes me distress. Dr. A. did not think there would be any drawbacks to having the troublesome tumors surgically removed. One possible concern is that being on radiation therapy might make me heal slower, so I may wait to have the surgeries until after the radiation is done.

My radiation treatment starts today at 2:00 PM. Sessions on this therapy only last 15 minutes. I'll walk to treatment from work, receive treatment, and then walk back to work. My hope is that I will feel OK after the treatment and be able to continue with my day as normal. I feel confident that I can continue to be productive through this process.

Wish me luck.

Labels: juicing, Melanoma, radiation